The story so far...

OK, so many things have happened since I left New York on Monday. I'll give you the highlights:

Upon landing in Houston, I went with my colleagues to the luggage carousel to pick up our bags. When my duffel came around the bend, I stepped forward to pull it off. I did so with a fair amount of force. So much so that I flew backwards onto my back on the floor. The bag landed on top of me. My left shoe came off. There were hundreds of witnesses. I am fine.

Before we left the airport, I went to take a whizz. First, I tried to go in the men's room. In my defense, there's construction going on and the signage is really poor from certain angles. Then, when it came time to flush, I destroyed the toilet. I never touch public toilets with my hands, so I reached gently with my foot to trip the sensor on the autoflush. I barely touched it. Suddenly, it was hanging by a single flimsy wire from its moorings. It did not flush. I noncholantly exited the stall, washed my hands to prevent contracting Swine Flu, and quietly left the bathroom.

On Tuesday, I was at the registration desk with the volunteers. We had to move locations in the middle of the day. I tripped on my own pants leg and went facedown on the ugly hotel carpet. The volunteers thought I was dead. I am fine.

On Wednesday, I was part of the precision dance number in the keynote session. The volunteers congratulated me on not falling off the stage.

On Thursday night I was walking back to the hotel from a reception/recital a few blocks away with two of my colleagues. We passed a little restaurant with an outdoor seating area. The maître d' called out as we walked by, "Hey, how are you guys doing tonight?" I replied, "Just fine, thanks! How're you?" Then a car raced by through a puddle and soaked me from head to toe. I was still wearing my suit and name badge, and was in full-on professional mode, so I managed not to shout, "FUCK YOU!!!!" at the car as it speed away. This repression morphed into me emitting a high-pitched squeal and jumping straight up into the air like a startled cat. I am fine. My suit, not so much.

Tonight I'm going to the opera. Maybe I'll be hit by a bus. We shall see.